Before: They are blissful, sublime, awe-inspiring, calming.
After: These late day walks infuse me with so great a bliss and exhibit such sublimity that I am at once palpably calmed and inspired with amazing awe.
Before: I heold his hand, knowing in this instant that the hand I'm holding is not the one I held only days, months, years before.
After: I hold his rough, calloused hand. Suddenly flooded with emotions of nastalgia, greif, fear and sadness; this hand is not the one I held only days ago.
Before: I do remember the awkwardness at the beginning, the apologizing for every mistake, the worry that people would think I looked stupid or too old.
After: In the beginning, I remember my awkwardness, the mistakes, and the worry that I was too old to dance.
Before: The problem was the sixth sense she'd developed which allowed her to distinguish between toys and food.
ReplyDeleteAfter: However, she distinguishes between toys and food with an uncanny sort of sixth sense.
~Katie
Before: They are blissful, sublime, awe-inspiring, calming.
ReplyDeleteAfter: These late day walks infuse me with so great a bliss and exhibit such sublimity that I am at once palpably calmed and inspired with amazing awe.
~Lynn
Before: I reach out and fumble for the knit stocking nudging it with my hand and hear the objects settle inside it.
ReplyDeleteAfter: Reaching out I fumble around until my fingers curl around the knit stocking, yanking it upward until the objects settle inside,
I;m still not happy with it.
Jen G
Before: It seems there is eternal life and I believe it is granted to all who desire it.
ReplyDeleteAfter: I believe eternal life is granted to all who desire it.
~Mari
Jen you are to hard on yourself...
ReplyDeleteYou are ALL such amazing writers!
Before: It was dark as I ran, and I heard a strange sound behind me.
After: An eerie sound startles me as I race into the endless black before me.
:) Melissa
Before: There are runners everywhere you look and fun music playing in the background to pump the crowd up.
ReplyDeleteAfter: Runners cover the ground in every direction. Festive music pulses through the air to energize the crowd.
I'm not completely pleased with it yet...
Kim
BEFORE: I remember so little of the emotions of those first days.
ReplyDeleteAFTER: I walked into my classroom that first day of class, nothing but a bag of nerves in high heels.
~Cathy S.
Before: I heold his hand, knowing in this instant that the hand I'm holding is not the one I held only days, months, years before.
ReplyDeleteAfter: I hold his rough, calloused hand. Suddenly flooded with emotions of nastalgia, greif, fear and sadness; this hand is not the one I held only days ago.
Heather
Before: The house is cold and the smell of soup for dinner still lingers in the air.
ReplyDeleteAfter: The house is drafty and I shiver as I reach for another blanket. The smell of soup still hangs in the air, though dinner was hours ago.
Jenny
Woah.... I almost totally forgot.
ReplyDeleteBefore: Our neighbors were moving out at the time, and they never liked her, so my mom assumed she was taken hostage by them.
After: Our unfriendly, cat-hating neighbors were moving out at that time, so my mom assumed they took her hostage.
Before: I had my shoes tied, my helmet on, and was outside before he even had the chance to say yes or no.
ReplyDeleteAfter:I tightly tied my shoes, fastened by helmet, and bolted out the swinging screen door before he could utter a yes or no.
Amee:)
Before: (My point of view) I feel upset because I won't be going to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving.
ReplyDeleteAfter: (My husbands point of view) "We don't need to go to PA for everything. I have family too."
*Tonya Roshi
Before: I am tired and I just want to go home.
ReplyDeleteAfter: Fatigue overwhelms me leaving only the desire to return home.
-Patsy
Before: I do remember the awkwardness at the beginning, the apologizing for every mistake, the worry that people would think I looked stupid or too old.
ReplyDeleteAfter: In the beginning, I remember my awkwardness, the mistakes, and the worry that I was too old to dance.
Kathy